


Humans - Corrupting the Galaxy One Planet at a Time

by deb-indycar-fan (debirlfan)



Category: Humans Are Space Orcs (Meme)
Genre: Alien Culture, Cultural Differences, Epistolary, Gen, Humans are a bad influence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21827521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debirlfan/pseuds/deb-indycar-fan
Summary: The Galactic Council had been aware of Earth and the strange creatures that populated it for a very long time. The consensus was to observe, but not to initiate contact with the primitive race. Since Earth was located in Zorigy space, the Zorigy were given the task.In 2031, humanity discovered the alien base hidden on the far side of the moon. It would be the end of keeping the Earthlings isolated and in the dark. The Council was not pleased that the Zorigy had allowed their base to be detected. As punishment, they were assigned the responsibility of introducing the humans to the galactic community. The plan, initially, was to install one volunteer human crew member on each Zorigy ship.To put it mildly, Captain Xngggi was not pleased with that plan.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 82
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Humans - Corrupting the Galaxy One Planet at a Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alessandriana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alessandriana/gifts).



_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: All Zorigy ships_   
_Effective immediately, all fleet ships will be assigned one human crew member. You will each be instructed as to when and where to pick up your human. Attached to this message you will find instructions as to the care and feeding of humans, as well as a database of all that is currently known regarding Earth and its population. All parties are requested to make additions and corrections to the database wherever possible._  
_Attachment: *EARTHDATA*_

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
Commander, as you know, we have a full crew. There's very little room for an additional passenger, especially a primitive being unaccustomed to space travel. We respectfully request to be exempt from the assignment.

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_You have plenty of room, no excuses. You will dock at Starport 5 at 26:40 to pick up your new crew member._

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
Please replace our human as soon as possible. The individual you assigned us has been leaking copious amounts of fluid from its ocular organs. It also made a statement suggesting that it may soon lose multiple appendages. I refuse to be responsible for a being that was obviously defective when we received it.

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_Captain Xngggi, you have barely cleared orbit! The human was in perfect condition when assigned to your ship. What did you do to it?_

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
We did nothing! As per your instructions, we assigned the human quarters and allowed it “free time” in order to become acclimated to the ship. The human chose to use that time to watch a holo-vid telecast from Earth. The broadcast appeared to be some sort of sporting contest. As the vid progressed, the human became increasingly agitated and began the aforementioned leakage. Additionally, the human was repeatedly muttering a word that, per the database, is a synonym for procreation. I am uncertain whether the human wishes to mate with one of the players, and if its inability to do so many have contributed to the leakage. Eventually, the human turned the vid off, and was heard to say, “This is going to cost me an arm and a leg.” The human then retired to its sleeping quarters and has been making various sounds indicating distress. Further consultation with the database indicates that some Earth species devour their mate after breeding, but I cannot find any indication that humans are among them. Please advise.

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_Suggest sending your medical officer to check on the human. If the human's condition is actually as dire as you suggest, we will consider a replacement._

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
At your suggestion, Chief Medical Officer Anuthuta spoke with the human. Anuthuta has learned that leakage from the orbital sockets is seldom a medical emergency in humans, and is most often caused by strong emotions. Further, the previously mentioned synonym for procreation also has many other meanings, and in this case did not indicate a desire for mating. Human explained that it had placed a wager on the sporting event, (which human identified as “football”), and was going to lose a large number of credits to someone called a bookie. The “arm and a leg” reference was simply a gross exaggeration. In short, all is well, and I will be updating the database with the relevant information.

  
Also, the crew has expressed an interest in this “football” sport. There is nothing in the database. If possible, please procure an instruction manual and forward a digital copy.

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_Good to see that cultural exchange is taking place. It appears your human is fitting in well. You will find file:“football rule book” attached to this message._  
_Attachment: *FOOTBALL*_

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
After observing some of the notes I have entered into the database, the human has notified myself and the other crew that “it” is an improper designation for a male human. The proper designation is “Heorjohn” which we will use from now on. Heorjohn also insists that the football rules you sent are not for football, but for another sport Heorjohn calls soccer, but which is called football by certain parts of the planet. Yes, this is just as confusing as it sounds. Heorjohn has been attempting to explain the game of American football, and it has become apparent that there are other errors and omissions in the database as they relate to Earth. According to Heorjohn, football is played with a pig skin. I searched the database for information on pigs, but the creature it showed bore no resemblance to anything used in the game. Perhaps more research is needed on Earth animals?

  
We would also like to request permission to make a stop on Earth in order to obtain a supply of something called “Budweiser” which Heorjohn insists is integral to enjoyment of football.

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_Permission granted. Advise that you allow Heorjohn to handle the transaction, as much of Earth's population does not yet appear to be entirely comfortable with the idea of humans not being alone in the universe._

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
To begin, unfortunately, there's been a bit of confusion. The human's designation is not Heorjohn. John was actually quite amused when addressed that way, and explained that “he” and “John” are actually two different appropriate designations, the latter being his given name. An educational session was held, and John explained that usually, male humans are referred to as he, while female humans are referred to as she. There are exceptions to this, and between the exceptions and the fact that most of the crew is unable to differentiate between a clothed human male and a clothed human female, it is probably safer to just use the human's name unless the appropriate pronoun has been stated.

  
On our last transit of the Sol system, an Earth landing was performed and as directed, John obtained a supply of Budweiser. Said supply now occupies most of the forward cargo hold. While I am not familiar with the substance, the quantity seems excessive for our use, however John assures me that any excess can easily be used to trade with other ships, particularly ones with human crew members.

  
While on Earth, John also procured several decks of cards and a number of small, round, plastic disks. He says that he is going to teach us a human game known as “poker.”

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_Captain Xngggi, your report seems to be overdue?_

From: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
Terribly sorry, Commander. The last solar period corresponded to the final football playoff game, and John introduced the entire crew to Budweiser. It quickly became apparent that Budweiser is an intoxicant. Additionally, we learned that the Brall have a nearly non-existent tolerance for intoxicants. First Officer Miolin only consumed perhaps half a bottle if that, but is still, as John put it, “Soused.”

  
What John refers to as the “Big Game” is in two Earth weeks, (approximately 6.9 Zorig day cycles). There will definitely be limits placed on the amount of Budweiser consumed.

_From: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci_   
_To: Captain Xngggi, Trade Ship Darconn_   
_Captain Xngggi, some very disturbing rumors regarding your ship have reached us. I sincerely hope that the rumors are not true._

From: Captain Xngggi, Explorer Ship Rrekakki  
To: Zorigy Fleet Commander Pomicci  
As John would say, there's good news and bad news. First the bad news. As you've heard, we lost the ship. I take full responsibility. In a very ill-advised move, I used the ship as collateral to guarantee a wager. (In my defense, if the Steelers had only scored one more field goal, they would have beaten the points spread. We would not only still have the trade ship, but we also would have gained possession of Thulle's third moon from the Thulle government.)

  
However, it is that loss which has led to our good news. The Thrall took immediate possession of our ship, leaving us temporarily marooned on Starbase 11. While we were there, deciding how to proceed, the Captain and several crew members of an Aleci Explorer class ship arrived for shore leave. After some discussion, John engaged the Aleci crew in a game called Texas Hold'em. It took nearly half a day cycle, but we are now the legal owners of a well-used but impeccably maintained Aleci Explorer. (I'm supposed to tell you for future reference that if an Aleci's tentacle tips turn pink, they're bluffing.)

  
Not only is it a nicer ship than our trade ship, but it is also considerably larger. As such, I would like to request an additional ten crew members be assigned at the earliest convenience. Humans are more than welcome, in fact, John has specifically requested that at least one of the new assignees be a hot human female.

  
I have no idea why John wants a recruit with a fever, but I've learned not to question such things. Humans are strange. There is much left to learn about them.


End file.
